Saturday, October 16, 2010

I am not OK

I am not OK.

If you asked, I would probably tell you that I am. But that would be a lie.

You see, I am not OK with losing my three babies. I think of them, miss them, every single day.  But their deaths became a catalyst for radical, unforeseeable change in me.  Change both terrible and beneficial.

Over the past 20 years, I carefully fabricated a very secure-looking façade. I imagined it to be a happy, got-it-together façade. I believed it.

When our ninth child died last year, my façade crumbled. An indescribable, unimaginable pain ripped through my heart, my mind, my body, my soul, leaving me mangled and raw. Everything I thought I believed, thought I knew, disintegrated in a single moment. Reality turned on its head. A secret flood gate was opened and suddenly, pain from years past, cautiously packed, stuffed, suffocated away, came pouring out. Rushing out. I couldn’t stop the flood.

I am helpless.

Pain has been my constant companion since July of 2009. My mind weeps, my heart aches, my arms long, my body rebels. I hate this pain, and beg for it to end. I want to “move on,” but I am stuck. Lost. The past pains pile onto the new pains… burying me, suffocating me.

But, recently -- and I can't explain it, so I won't try -- strangely, miraculously really, I begin to see a glimmer of hope. Maybe I will be OK. Although I’m not now, perhaps I can be.  I believe it.

God found me, crumpled and dying.  God is now leading me on a path, unfamiliar, frightening. I am learning to trust for the very first time in my life. I flail and stumble, again and again. He picks me up, again and again. My trust flounders, but His strength never fails.

I have to reevaluate my life, every day. I am taught painful, valuable lessons, every day. I’m relearning gratitude. I’m practicing patience, and usually failing, but usually getting back up to at least practice again. I’d like to work on forgiveness, and temperance, and humility next, but I’d better take it slow, a tiny step at a time.

I pray this is a path of healing for me. Of old wounds and new. Of broken hearts and bonds.

I also pray that anyone reading this, who identifies with these words in any small way. . . that you may find your own path of radical change, terrifying trust, miraculous healing. You are in my prayers. Please keep me in yours.

We’ll be OK, someday.

(Candles pictured above were lit tonight for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. . . . in memory of my son Justus and my twins, daughter Catherine and son Robert, for my nephew Cole and my niece Hope, for Mary Emma, and for other precious babes.  We love and miss you all.)


  1. I'm sorry. I wish I had something more meaningful or profound. All I can say is that I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going through.

  2. *hugs*

    May you find peace.

    *more hugs*

  3. I just wanted to let you know that I visit your blog often--and I read about your miscarriages. I do not know the pain you are going through--but I know that God is greater!! He is a healer and blesses those who trust him!! PRAISE God for your family and your faith! I can agree with you--when you are hurting and is hard to see the light. I pray that you will continue to trust Him and lean on Him.

    Lord, I lift up my friend and her family. I pray that she would feel your loving arms wrapped around her...and that she would know that you have a plan- a plan of hope and a future {Jer. 29:11-13}. I pray that she would know that You hear our cries and see each tear {Jer. 29:13; Isaiah 38:5}. Lord, I thank you that You love us and bless us! Lord, I pray that my friend would see your blessings and PRAISE You in the storm--in EVERYTHING {Phil. 4:4}. Oh Father--I am so thankful that when we call out to You--You heal us {Psalm 30:2}. Lord, I pray that you would continue to walk with my friend as she is hurting. Thank you for your son--who died for our sins! What an amazing life we have because of him!! THANK YOU, Jesus--I praise you and thank you, Lord. Thank you for your love! Thank you for your forgiveness! Thank you Lord for things you have already planned out!! PRAISE GOD! Most of all--Lord, I thank you for my blogging friends, esp. ReFabulous! Thank you that we are sisters in Christ! I ask all of these things--and praise YOU in Jesus' precious name--Amen.

    ps...I just read this verse yesterday::: "Find REST, Oh my soul, in God ALONE; my HOPE comes from Him" Psalm 62:5.

    please let me know if there is anything I can do for you! Lots of love!! Sav

  4. I to understand your words, fears, loss, and wonder. I visit here often watching and learning from you, thank you for sharing, giving and trusting us to visit your life. I will remember you in my thoughts, know that someone up above hears your pleas.
    Vicki R

  5. I want to thank you kind ladies for your comments and prayers. That's exactly what I needed - to speak out, and have gentle ears listen. Your prayers work wonders. I truly appreciate you, and am thankful for you.


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