Wednesday, April 14, 2010

They matter.

For several days now, I've been trying to compose this post in my head. What to say? How to say it? Should I even say anything?

I've decided to write this post for myself. For my friends and family. But most of all, for the reasons that will become evident in a second.

We lost our littlest Monkey two weeks ago. Three weeks ago, I saw her tiny heart beating on the sonogram. Two weeks ago, the heartbeat was no longer there. My own heart broke.

Again.

We had also lost a baby last July, whom we named Justus. At the time, I was so stricken with pain, I told almost no one. In hindsight, that was the exact wrong thing for me to do, especially for my own healing. This is one reason I've decided to write this post.

The second reason is because I want to scream from the rooftops that my babies were here. They did exist. I don't want them to be forgotten, or a rumor, or a ghost of what might have been. These children left a deep and permanent mark upon my heart, and on my life and the lives of my husband and living children. They matter.

In their too-short life times, these tiny children taught me painful, yet valuable, lessons. I was reminded that all of my children are priceless gifts from God, to be valued and nurtured -- and never, ever taken for granted. They are precious.

Time does not belong to me. I cannot take a single second of life for granted. I may never have another chance, another moment, another breath. I must use my gift of time on this earth wisely, and for the glory of God.

That brings me to this. . . . My blog will be neglected. It must be. I have children to love and hug and kiss and nurture. I'm sure you understand.

God bless.

22 comments:

  1. What a powerful post. Good for your for being honest and thoughtful. And yes- I understand you'll have to neglect the blog. And that's ok. Best best best wishes. xo

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  2. I feel for you. I also lost two many years ago. All of our children matter totally - we just know some better than others. Cherrie

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  3. Oh my heart breaks for you. I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers.

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  4. Have a fun summer with your priceless, precious, beautiful family!! :0)

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  5. Oh no . . . I'm so, so sorry. Big hugs from over here . . . I'll be thinking of you and all your monkeys.

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  6. Oh, Connie...I was wondering why I hadn't seen a post from you in awhile. I am so, so, so very sorry. Your babies WERE here and they will forever be in your heart. And I hope having your family surrounding you now can bring you comfort and over time, peace. Can I email you sometime?

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  7. Aw...Connie, I was also wondering if something was wrong. I'm so sorry!

    I also understand wanting people to understand that your babies were HERE, as I've been in your shoes.

    Out of our ten children, we were only to have the privilege of raising the oldest two. We lost 2 of our daughters in the 8th month, and had 5 miscarriages at around 8 weeks, with the 6th miscarriage being at 15 weeks. They mattered, too. They were here for a reason...and it's my purpose in life to fulfill that reason.

    God bless you and your beautiful children, Connie. You will see your precious babies again, just as I will see mine.

    Hugs to you, Peggy

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  8. It is so unfair that just because we did not get to hold our little ones, much of society wants to pretend that they did not exist. But they did, and you have every right to grieve them, and to hold your family a little closer.

    Always praying for you, Connie.
    -Erin

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  9. OH--I'm soooooo sorry! God is so good and I'm so happy that you are a sister in Christ! God will heal your heart, your family, and bring so many blessings to you because of your faith in Him!

    Thank you, God, for my friend here at ReFabulous. Thank you that she has YOU to lean on and to trust! Lord, I pray that you would just bring peace and comfort to her and her family. Lord, we don't understand why things happen...but we know that You have a plan and that you will never leave us or forsake us (Jer. 29:11, Deuteronomy 31:6). Lord, I pray that Refabulous' family would look to you and find strength in you and you alone. Lord, thank you for Jesus who died to make this possible--a relationship with our creator. Thank you for hearing our prayers and healing our hearts! Thank you, JESUS! Amen.

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  10. Delurking to say how sorry I am for your loss. Hoping that you can find peace. I should know what to say having been there myself, yet words just never come out right.
    Do what you must to get through this terrible time. Know that your faithful readers will be here when you decide to return to us.
    Sometimes talking/writing about it helps. That is when I started my first blog, after my third loss. The community in Blogland kept me sane, so feel free to post what you need to in order to hold on to sanity for your other children.
    See? words written down just don't sound as good as it did in my head. ;) Hugs to you and yours.

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  11. They DO matter, they ARE real and they ARE loved.
    It's sad to know you are not alone with your heartbreak, but maybe knowing it will provide some comfort. We will NEVER forget our babies. We will NEVER stop loving them. We are different because of them, and our love for them is a gift.
    Jeremiah 1:5
    Psalm 34:18

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  12. I'm so sorry for your loss. May God bless you and all your little ones.

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  13. God Bless you and your family, Connie.
    Please let me know if you need someone to talk to.

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  14. Thank you for sharing when you didn't have to. All the friends I have that have lost their babies say the single most painful thing after losing their babies was the fact they were meant to just get on with life and forget, no one wanted to talk about it like they were never really here.

    I am so sorry Connie that you are going through this pain, again. You are in my thoughts and I wish I was able to do more.

    They will always be remembered.

    xxx

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  15. My heart goes out to you and your terrible lost. My deepest condolences.

    I'm glad you decided to talk about and reflect on the gift of time.

    Thank you for reminding me how precious those around us are. I'll remember to live my life with more appreciation.

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  16. Connie, I'm so sorry for your loss, but you are correct that our time with ALL of our children is precious, no matter how short that time is. Thank you for this reminder; Mine is leaving the nest in 43 days and my head is spinning out of control!!! I already miss her and she's only going to be an hour's drive away at college. She's my only child and this is so hard!!!!

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  17. No words could ever express how sorry I am to hear that you had to endure this pain. I can only hope that you and your family find the strength to support and love each other.

    I can see you've had a moment of grace and clarity, and I think you're right, you're very blessed for those you have with you.

    Wish you all the best,
    -Amy

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  18. My love and prayers go out to you and your family! Not long ago I stumbled across your blog then sat on my couch and read every back entry. I've followed ever since and adore how you incorporate your love of uypcycling, crafting and family into one place.
    Take all the time you need before you blog again. All of us here in your cyber family will be here when you get back. Big Hugs!

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  19. Take care of yourself barbolot. And spend as much time as you can with your little ones, they will be grown in the blink of an eye. Time IS too precious, spend every moment doing what makes you happy. :)

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  20. You and your entire family are in our prayers. Take care of yourself.

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  21. I am so behind on reading blogs and when I read this entry my heart broke. I'm thinking of you and if you want to send me an email and vent, feel free - I understand what you're feeling. Sending virtual hugs and some prayers your way.

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